Winter Sabbatical

I am taking a winter blogging sabbatical. I should return in about a month or so. In the mean time, I will be working on some short works of fiction, running in 9 degree weather, brewing Kombucha tea, and trying to capture the ever-fleeting moments with my little family before those moments become museum specimens.

Here is the first line of my latest children's fiction series based on Nephew #1 (my muse). It is about a wild boy:

"A little boy wandered through the forest. He was not scared. The forest looked after him. He was safe and warm. At night, the forest sang him to sleep with her coyotes howling at the moon and her crickets chirping at the stars and her owls hooting at the rustling wind."

This are the first couple of lines from my latest adult short fiction thriller based on my second favorite muse, my Grandmother. It is about an unlikely serial killer:

"I've known my grandmother was a serial killer since I was a little girl. Going through her house now with my mom and aunts, it becomes obvious they don't know. I am surprised. Grandma wasn't great at burying the bodies, especially in her old age. I should have been better about helping her."

:)

See you all in February!

Mortal Combat [A Reflection of Growth in 2011]

We have made it to Ft Leavenworth and are settled in to our temporary digs as we get ready to celebrate the new year. I am grateful for the wonderful blessings of 2011 and look forward to what lies ahead. It has been a true blessing watching my son grow into a healthy, happy toddler. I have also had the pleasure of watching my husband grow as a true servant leader during his time in Command in this past year. I feel like I just sat back and watched with amazement as my little family grew in leaps and bounds in 2011. I am so proud of them! Growth is an amazing blessing, but selfishly, I am glad that we are all moving into the next phase of uninterrupted family time, peaceful sleep, and the calm waters of lakes :)

And what of my own reflections of growth in 2011?

• I learned that I am not invincible (I have to re-learn this one every year, so God just keeps it on the list).
• I am never going to be perfect.
• I am definitely not strong :)
• I seem to have learned the most valuable lesson of all from a children's song:

"We are weak, but He is strong."

Back in July, I reached a point where I almost called my doc to request medication. The scariest thing about this experience was that for the first time in my life, I could not "shake it off" by going for runs. Exercise was not the cure-all I always knew it to be.

As a new mom, your brain is wired for not getting sleep to a point, but if you can't fall back asleep after being woken up, or if you are having a lot of anxiety or feeling sad all of the time 8 months after giving birth, like I was, it could be that something else is going on. I hesitate to use the word post-partum depression, which is a serious condition and also no joke. I am not a doctor, but I think that sometimes it is possible to just be "off". Our systems can become imbalanced for a lot of reasons. Those of us with higher-than-usual levels of hyperactivity can especially attest to this anyway, baby or none :)

 

I went in for a physical, and everything was fine, if not off-the-charts. Vitamin D, hemoglobin, and electrolytes as well as thyroid function were all A+++. I was told by my doctor that "my vitamin D levels were almost unheard of" they were so good. I decided that instead of asking her about medication that I would talk to the people in my life that I trusted most and tell them what I had been feeling, to both prep them and myself for the possibility that I might need help, and to just bounce stuff off of them. If my mom or husband or BFF had said, "yeah, you seriously need Prozac," I would have called. What I got was, "really?" "huh." "really?" In any case, I started to research some other alternatives to medication and causes of my anxiety and that suffocating feeling of sadness known as depression.

I was thankful to have both my husband and my journal to fall back on during this time because what I realized is that the number one cause of my anxiety was that I needed to just let go a little. Realizing that I am not [my idea of] perfect. I am not my Mom. My house will never be perfectly cleaned or smell like yummy things baking 100% of the time despite having a million kids. I am not my BFF. My son is not in an accredited preschool learning 15 languages while I am well on my way of becoming the CEO of some major company and running marations. I am not an early childhood education specialist/kindergarten teacher.

I am just me. little h won't know how to eat with a spoon by himself at 13 months old, and he'll probably have a warmed bottle of milk before bed until he's 20 :) But he'll know the miracles of a watershed and the smell of rain and a lot of silly songs. He will know what leaves taste like and probably slugs and what a spider web covered in morning dew looks like. He'll know the sound of silence and the roughness of tree bark and the stickiness of applesauce spilled all over the front of him because he ate it in his car seat, on the way home from somewhere.

I would like to end this by saying that in no way am I anti-medication (in general) for those who really need it. I just happen to believe that most of us really don't and the side effects of ALL medication, be it pain or anti-anxiety or high blood pressure, terrifies me beyond belief. I hope this post reflects the fact that I heavily weighed this option.

The only way for me to let go is to be outside, in nature. It is the only place I am ever really and truly relaxed. Going for a run or a walk just wasn't enough of being outside. It is not how I am wired. Going back outside meant that I was not getting as much writing done, but I was able to let go of that by just trusting in the fact that if God wants me to write and get these stories out of my head, he'll give the time to me.

Nature is where I am happy, and as it turns out, it is where little h is happiest, too :)

May you all enjoy the calm waters of lakes in 2012. Happiest New Year.

A Course of Action, a Goodbye, and a Love Letter



image from the sample pictures on my computer

During the course of your life, you will witness the actions of various people, be they individuals, families, or entire societies. Sometimes you will see the same actions for years before you are actually moved by them or affected by them in some way. But at other times, all actions become significant and moving all at once. It is called being touched, and quite often, our paths become directed in this manner to ourselves, act. "For love, if it finds you worthy, will direct your course."

This post is about another recent act of kindness that changed the course of my entire day. The other day I was leaving the UPS store parking lot near the mall (puke). The rain was coming down in sheets, and it was 50 degrees F outside. For San Diego, this is cold :) An old homeless man was standing on the corner with a sign, drenched and shivering. A woman unrolled her window and handed him an umbrella. I rarely cry, but that day, I was so touched by this act of humanity and kindness that I cried all the way home. Why this particular act of charity? I don't know. Just the right time, I guess.   

I mentioned her a couple of posts ago, but I started following Stephanie's blog when I was in my third trimester of pregnancy with little h, daydreaming about running with him (I was on bedrest at the time). Her son is about 8 months older than mine, and she's a small business owner and runner and lives in Texas. I had never seen any other blogger do this before, but she does this thing every Friday which she calls "Filanthropy Friday". She just finds some random thing to donate to every Friday and blogs about the organization and the need. It is usually only a few dollars here and there, but man, people donate $5 to Starbucks a DAY and think nothing of it. I don't know how people afford that, but with my one less bottle of wine per week that I am now not drinking, I figured I could at least cough up $6 week. If I ever wanted to do something like this on a regular basis. 

On that note, I would like to mention that there are a lot of generous, giving, nurturing people in my life: Givers of time, of a listening ear, of food, of needed support. Many of you live here in San Diego. I have had the honor and the pleasure of being in your presence for almost an entire decade, and damn, I am going to miss you!

Thankfully, I am married to the best one, and I go where he goes. "Let it [love] rather be like a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

Love One Another

Love one another, but make not a bond of that love.

Let it rather be like a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

And stand together, and yet not too near together.

For even the pillars of the temple must stand apart;

and the oak tree and the cypress will not grow in each other's shadow.

Remember that love gives nothing but from itself.

Love possesses not, nor would it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

And think not that you can direct the course of love.

For love, if it finds you worthy, will direct your course.

-Kahil Gibran, Lebanese-American poet (1883-1931)

Excerpt from his book of poetic essays, The Prophet

Thank You for Your Kindness

image source: getty images (John Lund/Riser)

“Spread love everywhere you go: First of all in your own house... let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness.”-Mother Theresa

Paid a recent visit to the Pediatrician's office for little h's 12-month immunizations and checkup. This momma is not a fan of the Dr's office, of hospitals, dentists, or anywhere with poky things that sound like drills and extract fluids and smell like hand sanitizer and old libraries and stale air. And are crawling with nasty, nasty germs. Cesspools of health and healing. I genuinely have to focus on relaxing and having fun before little h's dr appointments because I know you pass that stuff on to your kids, and I don't want my kid to freak out about going to the dr or the dentist. He'll probably be the one forcing me to go when I am an old lady.

I was extremely unprepared for what was going to be happening at this particular appointment. Normally, I know every poke, prod, and question that is about to occur. Turns out, he got 2 pokes per leg, plus a tb test in one arm PLUS a blood draw (for lead???? really?? he's ONE) in the other arm. The blood draw was last, and we had to go up a floor to the lab. He was sore and upset, and I was trying to be a good sport, wiping the sweat off of my brow, singing him silly songs and letting him play with my phone and eat strawberry yogurt melts.

The lady at the desk to the lab just looked up at me and in the most soothing, sweet tones, goes, "Are you okay, Momma? How you doin'? You doin' gooood. Oh, now look at this baby, what a SWEET boy. He's doin' gooood too. Now we're just gonna get you in an out an taken care of, and you just sit there for a minute."

I seriously just wanted to go over and hug her. She made my whole day and probably my son's as well. Little h also got the best phlebotomist I have ever seen, and I have had my blood drawn about 80 million billion times. I have never been so impressed with a lab in all my life. 

Thank you, random lab lady, for your kindness. You have no idea what it meant to me or what an example you probably set on a daily basis for a lot of sweaty people.        

Picking up the Pace and Giveaway #1 Winner Announced!

Welcome December! You are about to keep my little family as busy as ever! We have an official toddler among us, and this momma is now equipped with the messiest, noisiest, stickiest activity ideas and some new running shoes :) A bloggy friend of mine (who is, by the way, an awesome mom and a total inspiration of how to raise a kid, in my opinion) recently pointed out that "Baby H" is no longer a baby. He is "Toddler H". However, I feel weird calling him "Toddler H", so in the true Dr. Seuss's ABC tradition (we have read this book so much I have the entire thing memorized), Baby H will now be referred to as "little h".

"Big H, little h, what begins with H?
Hungry horse. Hen in hat. H...h...H." 

It is officially time to increase our running mileage! I am excited that after taking what felt like forever to get back to my "normal" slow-ass running time (rather than my post-baby time of running so slow that 75-year old fast-walkers passed me), it finally happened. I jog comfortably (without really raising my HR) at about a 10-minute mile. If I am attempting a tempo-ish run, which I guess would be about a 9:40 mm, my HR goes up. I am not even sad that that is only a 20-second difference (haha). I am actually quite happy to at least finally have 2 paces again :) In all honesty, doing this with a jogging stroller probably doesn't help my time, but it is still better than running on a treadmill, so I am not complaining. In a previous post, I wrote how I had designed the perfect post c-section running workout, and I stand by it. It involves more strength building than running and is very easy to incorporate into a busy day, with or without a toddler tugging at your leg :)

The winner of my 1st giveaway is Mrs. K! I hope you love and enjoy this book as much as we did, and if I could, I would give one of these to every new parent out there. Please check out Mrs. K and Captain J! Mrs. K is a busy new mom to a beautiful baby boy and is currently working on her Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is also a runner, a non-fiction writer and I THINK a bit of a football fan. Congratulations, Mrs. K!